My Overdue Apology

letters-to-selfLately, it seems as though I have been feeling a little irritable, tired and overdone. It could be the creative surges keeping me up at night, forcing a ready and waiting notebook on the bed stand, or the alignment of the planets, but through the breath in and out of everyday life, I find myself sometimes lashing out quicker than I expect and a bit more brash then I’d like to be. If I do snap at someone, I am usually very quick to apologize, as it is rarely intentional; but recently when I began to examine people I may have hurt in my life, my own name became the bold flashing title at the top of the list. I realized of all the mean things I have said or have had said to me. My own thoughts throughout my life have been far worse.

I will be living a lifelong apology clothed in pieces of self love and forgiveness. As I begin to get to know the real me, I understand just how wounded and hurt I have been by my own doing. I had to make things right. This is what I wrote.

Dear Self,

I am sorry for the times I kicked you when you were down and made you feel like you weren’t good enough. I am sorry for treating you like you didn’t matter and telling you you didn’t deserve joy, peace and happiness in your life. I have always had very high expectations of you. When they were not met, I am sorry I was disappointed with you instead of marveling at the unique path only fate could forge for us. I am sorry I blamed you for the things which were not your fault and tricked you into believing you didn’t have control over the things which were. I am sorry I have abused you physically and emotionally and put you in situations where you could and did get hurt. I have been careless with you and I feel fortunate for your good luck despite my lack of attention and care. Most of all, I am sorry I made you believe there was something wrong with you, for being you. In that way, I took away your sole purpose! When I tried to change you, I blocked the sweet warmth of hope’s light. Being who you are is the most wonderful thing about you. I am sorry I wanted you to believe that you would be happier being like someone else. There is only one that is uniquely you and I have not always loved that person. I am sorry that I made you believe that what you did didn’t matter, it did and it still does. The love you share with those around you and the joy you bring to others matters everyday. Even when you can’t see it and times seem dark, you are special, you are important, worthy of love and deserving of every good thing in this hard life.

I am truly sorry for all of the ways I have hurt you. I will support you, stand with you and cheer you on. I will comfort you in sadness, calm you in uneasiness and laugh with you in triumph. I will sit and be silent in your discomfort and let you learn the lessons of the Universe. I will not tell you what you should do or allow others judgements to change my opinion of your worth or value. In all things, I will remind you of the three greatest gifts we have been given as humans: faith, hope and love. I will love you until the day you die, never again will I leave you. If you get lost again, I will find you. I will ever be on your side, in your corner and rooting for you to win, just by being the spectacular person you are, now and will grow to be.

What would you write, to you? Your heart has been waiting.